Top 10 reasons to ride Dressage:
1* - Found ice-fishing too stimulating.
2* - I enjoy wearing full formal wear rain or shine.
3* - Who wouldn't love spending afternoons riding in circles getting yelled at.
4* - Just love subjecting friends and family to my latest equine video spectacular.
5* - My chiropractor needs a new car.
6* - Wanted to find a place my husband wouldn't go - a.k.a. the barn.
7* - Had tired of spending cold winters by the fire, and hot summers by the pool.
8* - My lawyer wanted me to have 3 judges.
9* - Lived for the sport where I could say "Piaffe" to the judges.
10* - I had way too much money in my bank account.
Top 10 signs your Dressage test needs some work:
1* - Under judges remarks she writes only: "Nice braid job."
2* - Horse confuses dressage arena rail for a cavalletti; exits at K.
3* - Your circles shape reminds the judge that he should pick up eggs on the way home.
4* - Your serpentine was perfect, except that it was supposed to be a straight centerline.
5* - Sitting trot has caused some fillings to be loosened in lower molars.
6* - Your horse believes "free walk" means eaving the arena and heading towards the nearest patch of grass.
7* - Your working trot had you working harder than your horse.
8* - In your salute you inadvetently use your whiphand causing your horse to perform airs above the ground.
9* - Your walk seems to be more "rare" than "medium".
10* - Impulsion improves only after the horse sees monsters in the decorative shrubbery near letters.
You know you're at a bad boarding stable when:
* There's more grass in the indoor arena than there's out in the fields.
* The manure pile casts a shadow on the barn at high noon.
* A stall companion for your horse is a half-dozen mice.
* Your horse is bathed more often than the barn help.
* The police are in the driveway more often than the rookie of the year.
* When you walk in the barn surprised to find your horse has been sold for bail money.
* You're told the watering is done daily, but you're not told which days.
* You nearly sign our life away to schedule a riding lesson and the trainer/barn owner never shows.
* The tackroom sign reads: "What is yours is now mine, do not lock your trink at own risk."
* The sign below that reads: "I am not responsible for death of horse, stolen or broken equipment."
* The stalls also serve as dog kennel.
* You're told stall shavings are "plentiful" (see below)
* Definition on "plentiful"...depending on bank account.
* You know when the feed room is bare, the owner has bounced a check.
Added 29.10.2005
1* - Found ice-fishing too stimulating.
2* - I enjoy wearing full formal wear rain or shine.
3* - Who wouldn't love spending afternoons riding in circles getting yelled at.
4* - Just love subjecting friends and family to my latest equine video spectacular.
5* - My chiropractor needs a new car.
6* - Wanted to find a place my husband wouldn't go - a.k.a. the barn.
7* - Had tired of spending cold winters by the fire, and hot summers by the pool.
8* - My lawyer wanted me to have 3 judges.
9* - Lived for the sport where I could say "Piaffe" to the judges.
10* - I had way too much money in my bank account.
Top 10 signs your Dressage test needs some work:
1* - Under judges remarks she writes only: "Nice braid job."
2* - Horse confuses dressage arena rail for a cavalletti; exits at K.
3* - Your circles shape reminds the judge that he should pick up eggs on the way home.
4* - Your serpentine was perfect, except that it was supposed to be a straight centerline.
5* - Sitting trot has caused some fillings to be loosened in lower molars.
6* - Your horse believes "free walk" means eaving the arena and heading towards the nearest patch of grass.
7* - Your working trot had you working harder than your horse.
8* - In your salute you inadvetently use your whiphand causing your horse to perform airs above the ground.
9* - Your walk seems to be more "rare" than "medium".
10* - Impulsion improves only after the horse sees monsters in the decorative shrubbery near letters.
You know you're at a bad boarding stable when:
* There's more grass in the indoor arena than there's out in the fields.
* The manure pile casts a shadow on the barn at high noon.
* A stall companion for your horse is a half-dozen mice.
* Your horse is bathed more often than the barn help.
* The police are in the driveway more often than the rookie of the year.
* When you walk in the barn surprised to find your horse has been sold for bail money.
* You're told the watering is done daily, but you're not told which days.
* You nearly sign our life away to schedule a riding lesson and the trainer/barn owner never shows.
* The tackroom sign reads: "What is yours is now mine, do not lock your trink at own risk."
* The sign below that reads: "I am not responsible for death of horse, stolen or broken equipment."
* The stalls also serve as dog kennel.
* You're told stall shavings are "plentiful" (see below)
* Definition on "plentiful"...depending on bank account.
* You know when the feed room is bare, the owner has bounced a check.
Added 29.10.2005
* For ever mile of bad road you travel, there're two miles of ditch you're stayin' out of. *
* If you stick your head in the sand, you can expect a kick in the tail. ** Better from the horse's mouth than a horse's behind. *
* Crap not only happens, it makes things grow. *
* Set your pace by the distance ou've gotta go. *
* The big difference between animals and humans is that animals have a healthier sex life. *
* You have to love a woman to know her - even then, there's a lot of guesswork involved. *
* It's better to tell the truth and run than to lie and get caught. *
* The most successful liar is the one who doesn't do it too often. *
* Two's a coincidence, three's an outbreak. *
* If you have nothing to do, don't do it. *
* What you can't jump, you gotta go around. *
Added 22.10.2005
Someone once said that a Spanish horse is like a Spanish man: trustworthy, good-looking and full of fire.
- Now I wonder does that apply to the Portuguese as well?
Added 20.10.2005
- Now I wonder does that apply to the Portuguese as well?
Added 20.10.2005
Equi-dating: the rules - in On a Loose Rein by Janet Menzies, Horse & Hound 22 Sept. 2005
Finding a man in the 21st century is apparently harder than acquiring an undiscovered dressage prospect in Germany. The dating self-help guides would have you believe that New Yourk and London - and maybe even Northamptonshire - are seething with Carrie Bradshaws, fishing tooth and nail to keep themselves off the shelf.
To cater for their needs a whole industry of man-hunting manuals
has sprung up. So far I have strenuously ignored all the
pot-boilers-for-old-boillers, mainly because I already have a husband.
But these days the handicapper has well and truly got the husband's
measure. The time may be approaching when one should consider
restocking with a lightly raced juvenile.
So when the latest man mantra came out, I decided to put in a little revision on my dating techniques - nowadays so rusty I couldn't pull a wheelbarrow.
What appealed to me about Jane Austen's Guide to Dating was the Mr.Darcy link. While the other get-a-man guides give you the feeling you'll end up with golfplaying nerd, at least the chaps in Jane Austen wear breeches.
Anyway, it turns out that getting a bloke Jane Austen-style is absolute childs play for an equi-babe. Rule number one, according to the guide, is to make it clear how you feel about the man in question. Well, equi-babes have never had much trouble making their feelings clear. Often to a fault, it has to be admitted, as in the "You useless lump, how can you not have learnt how to put on a head collar, it only has one moving part," form of frank expression.
Courtship the Jane Austen way plays to the equi-babe strengths. For example, we are advised: "Don't fall for superficial qualities".
As if we would, when his ability to fund your Thoroughbred habit is far more important than his taste in clothing.
Which brings us to rule number four: "Have faith in your own instincts."
Equi-babes instinctively already do what all these books make such a fuss over. In The Rules (which is a bit more strident than Jane Austen), you are told to keep an egg timer by the phone to prevent you talkin too long (or too embarassingly) to the eligible male on whom you have het your sights. Hah! As if any equi-babe ever spent more time on the phone than it takes to agree to a date on the understanding that he helps do the horses first.
In fact, equi-babes are such natural survivors in the dating jungle that there ought to be a new guide, passing on the secrets of their success to their non-equi sisters.
The first rule of equi-dating is blindingly obvious: if you want to get a man you must first get a life.
And what's the quickest way to get a life? Get a horse, of course.
The rest follows quite naturally. For example, where The Rules suggests the unavailable ploy, an equi-babe doesn't have to play hard to get because she already is. Every would-be dater knows that, as Princess Diana used to say, "There are three of us in this relationship."
The Jane Austen guide stresses that it is important to be able to judge a man's true abilities before considering him as a marriage prospect - and what better way to do this than by judging his performance in the stable yard?
If he seizes a pitchfork and volunteers to carry water buckets, he is clearly a keeper. But if he wanders from stable to stable, patting first one horse then another, he could be a commitment-phobe.
If unlucky enough to come accross one of these, the equi-babe can always fall back on her ultimate ace in the hole. Where the Carrie Bradshaws can only turn to the hard leather solesof their Manolo Blahniks, the equi-babe can sob into her horse's mane.
Indeed, all the guides agree the most important thing is not to appear too needy. While equi-babes may occasionally be in need, it is always of something specific, like the latest non-slip numnah or weatherproof rug. Men like that sort of problem, which can be easily solved by the application of cash, rather than having to sit up until two in the morning "talking it through".
None of the guides take into account that the kind of woman wanted by the supposedly desirable men it describes is not the sort of woman who wants a man. In other words, if things have got so bad you need a book to tell you what to do, you are beyond help.
Equi-babes, of course, skip gaily through this catch-22 by being oblivious to all that stuff - which, by the way, is a quality men find very attractive. Though I suppose the long black leather boots and the whip might help.
So when the latest man mantra came out, I decided to put in a little revision on my dating techniques - nowadays so rusty I couldn't pull a wheelbarrow.
What appealed to me about Jane Austen's Guide to Dating was the Mr.Darcy link. While the other get-a-man guides give you the feeling you'll end up with golfplaying nerd, at least the chaps in Jane Austen wear breeches.
Anyway, it turns out that getting a bloke Jane Austen-style is absolute childs play for an equi-babe. Rule number one, according to the guide, is to make it clear how you feel about the man in question. Well, equi-babes have never had much trouble making their feelings clear. Often to a fault, it has to be admitted, as in the "You useless lump, how can you not have learnt how to put on a head collar, it only has one moving part," form of frank expression.
Courtship the Jane Austen way plays to the equi-babe strengths. For example, we are advised: "Don't fall for superficial qualities".
As if we would, when his ability to fund your Thoroughbred habit is far more important than his taste in clothing.
Which brings us to rule number four: "Have faith in your own instincts."
Equi-babes instinctively already do what all these books make such a fuss over. In The Rules (which is a bit more strident than Jane Austen), you are told to keep an egg timer by the phone to prevent you talkin too long (or too embarassingly) to the eligible male on whom you have het your sights. Hah! As if any equi-babe ever spent more time on the phone than it takes to agree to a date on the understanding that he helps do the horses first.
In fact, equi-babes are such natural survivors in the dating jungle that there ought to be a new guide, passing on the secrets of their success to their non-equi sisters.
The first rule of equi-dating is blindingly obvious: if you want to get a man you must first get a life.
And what's the quickest way to get a life? Get a horse, of course.
The rest follows quite naturally. For example, where The Rules suggests the unavailable ploy, an equi-babe doesn't have to play hard to get because she already is. Every would-be dater knows that, as Princess Diana used to say, "There are three of us in this relationship."
The Jane Austen guide stresses that it is important to be able to judge a man's true abilities before considering him as a marriage prospect - and what better way to do this than by judging his performance in the stable yard?
If he seizes a pitchfork and volunteers to carry water buckets, he is clearly a keeper. But if he wanders from stable to stable, patting first one horse then another, he could be a commitment-phobe.
If unlucky enough to come accross one of these, the equi-babe can always fall back on her ultimate ace in the hole. Where the Carrie Bradshaws can only turn to the hard leather solesof their Manolo Blahniks, the equi-babe can sob into her horse's mane.
Indeed, all the guides agree the most important thing is not to appear too needy. While equi-babes may occasionally be in need, it is always of something specific, like the latest non-slip numnah or weatherproof rug. Men like that sort of problem, which can be easily solved by the application of cash, rather than having to sit up until two in the morning "talking it through".
None of the guides take into account that the kind of woman wanted by the supposedly desirable men it describes is not the sort of woman who wants a man. In other words, if things have got so bad you need a book to tell you what to do, you are beyond help.
Equi-babes, of course, skip gaily through this catch-22 by being oblivious to all that stuff - which, by the way, is a quality men find very attractive. Though I suppose the long black leather boots and the whip might help.
